WHO STAY FIRST
Adaptation by: Lou Christine
A. Ho bruddah I wen’ start one baseball team.
B. Right on, I like play.
A. No problems brah. We gottem.
B. I like know da-names. So I cans say, ‘howz’it,’ an stuff like that.
A. We got all kines guys. Ya know brah; we wen’ got; Filipino, Portugee, Haole, Hawaiian, Japanee . . . all kine names like dat.
B. Like what?
A. Wells we got KIMO PILAU . . . then there’s MOKI, HE NO BOTHER.
B. Eh bruddah, I no stupid, I wen’ know dem guys.
A. You figgah, we got da-kine . . . Who’s on first . . . What’s on second . . . I Nevvah Knows on turd.
B. Yeah bruddah, I like know da names?
A. I SAY, Who’s on first! What’s on second! I Nevvah Knows,stay turd brah.
B. You the manager?
A. Yeah.
B. You know da-names?
A. Guarans brah. 100%
B. Then, tell me the guys’ names . . . da players, da players on da-team brah?
A. I said, Who’s on first. What’s on second. I Nevvah Knows stay turd.
B. You nevvah say noting brah. Go ahead, tell me.
A. Who’s on first! What’s on second! I Nevvah Knows stay on turd!
RAPID FIRE:
B. Go ‘head brah. Who’s on first?
A. That’s right.
B I mean the da-kine’s name.
A. Who.
B. The guy wen’ play first?
A. Who!
B. The guy wen play first base?
A. Who.
B. The bruddah who stay at first base?
A. (EMPHACTICALLY) Who is, on, first.
B. (BIG TIME) Whatcha asking me for?!
2 BEATS
A. No need for get excited.
B. One simple question brah . . . Who’s on first?!
A. (DELAY). . . Yes
B. I ask you, what’s, da-kine on first?
A. No brah! What plays second.
B. I no ask who, stay second!
A Who stay first.
B. (EPHACTICALLY) I nevvah know.
A. No brah . . . He stay turd . . . Eh, get ‘em right, you wen’ mess up. Gotta get it together brah.
B. Ho! How I wen’ get on turd base?
A. You wen’ say his name!
B. Say da-bruddah who, play turd?
A. Not! . . . Who wen’ play first.
B. I like know what’s, da-kine’s-name, playing turd?
A. Ahh stupid. You no listen, What’s, Íon second.
B. Who, stay second!
A. Who stay first?
B. I nevvah knows.
A. He stay turd.
A. Eh bruddah, no can change all da-names ‘round.
B. Give it to me straight brah . . . You got one first baseman.
A. Guarans!
B. Hold on brah. All I like know, what’s, da-kines name on first base, dats it brah?
A. Listen! What’s, on second.
B I no ask who, stay second.
A. Who, stay first!
B. I nevvah knows . . .
A.& B. TURD BASE! . . .
3 BEATS
B. You got one outfield?
A. Yeah brah.
B. The left-fielder’s name?
A. Why.
B. I like know.
A. I wen’ tell you, brah.
B. Ok bruddah, who’s, playing left field?
A. Eh brother, we been all over that. Who stay first.
B. ENOUGH ALREADY, NO MORE INFIELD!
A. Hey, mellow out brah.
B. I like know what’s, the left-fielder’s name?
A. What, stay second.
B. I no ask who, stay second!
A. Who, stay first.
B. I nevvah know.
A&B. TURD BASE!
B. Please brah, the left-fielder’s name.
A. Why.
B. C’mon, no fool round, I like know.
A. Why?
B. BECAUSE!
A. Ah no brah, he wen play center-field.
B. Ooowee brah. too much for me brah, radicals . . .
A. Hey, bruddah you wen’ get ‘em, no problem . . . you know da-players now, same as me.
B. You got one pitcher?
A. Hey bruddah, dis be no team with no pitcher . . .
B. Da kine’s name brah?
A. Tomorrow.
B. Tell me today.
A. I tell you brah.
B. Go ‘head.
A. Tomorrow.
B. Wha time?
A. Wha time what?
B. What time tomorrow, ya gonna tell me who’s, pitching?
A. Listen brah. Who no pitch.
B. I goin’ bust your face , you wen’ tell me who stay first?
A. Hey, brah you got one problem here.
B. I like know what’s, da-PITCHER’S name?
A. What, stay second!!!
B. I nevvah knows.
A&B TURD BASE
3 beats
B. You got one catcher?
A. Gurans.
B. Da-kines name.
A. Today.
B. Today . . . and Tomorrow’s pitching?
A. Right on. You wen’ gottem brah!
B. I wen’ gottem? . . So what I got? Two days brah?!
A. Members, stay mellow, brah, mellow out!
B. Hey, no need for worry brah. I get excited, I goin’ bust . . . .
A. Ho bruddah chills . . . chill brah.
3 beats
(B. bends down and mimes a baseball catcher.)
B. Hey, I one mean catcher brah. You should see.
A. You one friggen’ dummy.
B. I like catch, and Tomorrow’s pitching?
A. Yes! That’s it.
B Ok, Tommorow, trohs da-ball.
A. Guarnas.
B. Da-kine wen’ bunt, I stay catcher. I wanna troh da-kine out at first. So braddah, I wen’ scoop da-ball, I troh it to who?
A. There ya go. That’s the first ting you wen’ say right.
B. I no even know, what I say.
A. That’s all you have to do brah.
B. You mean troh da-ball to first base?
A. Yes.
B. Now who’s, got it?
A. Naturals.
B. If I wen’ troh da-kine to first base, somebody gotta catch ‘em, right?
A. Naturals.
B. Now brah, who’s, got it.
A. Naturals
B. NATURALS?
A. Naturals.
B. So, I wen’ troh da-ball to Naturals?
A. Nah bruaddah, you wen’ troh da-ball to Who!
B. Naturals.
A. That’s it.
B. That’s what, I said!
A. Nah, brah, no act, you nevvah say that.
B. I troh da-ball to Naturals?
A. No!
B. I trow da-ball to who?
A. Naturals
B. You ask me?
2 beats
A. You troh da-ball to who?
B. Naturals.
A. Say it brah!
B. Same as you! I trow da-ball to who?
A. Naturals.
B. Now whoever it, is . . . drops da-ball! so da-kine he wen’ run to second . . .
A. Yes.
B. Who wen’ pick up the ball, trows it to What. . . What trows it to I Nevvah Knows . . . I Nevvah Knows trows it back to Tomorrow — TRIPLE PLAY!!!
A. Yyyyyeeeees!
B. One udder guy get up! . . . hit one fly ball to; Because!, Why? . . . I Nevvah Knows! He stay turd brah, and I don’t give a flying ……!
A. What you say
B. I SAID! I DON’T GIVE A FLYING HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH!
A. Ohhhh, he’s our shortstop.
B EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!